Laughing Specially Deranged

E need cleansing, dis-orientation, need to spend an hour within my space station, E get worry-free and E can reign supreme, E found my second coming within my day-dreams, like a myriad, a billion coloured lights, E feel like Adam when Eve took that bite, it’s a godsend, its like heaven on earth, confused by my mind but E could do worse, because E am brainwashed so E will accept my fate, your condemnation, not needed, so give me a break, E choose, E found my path and its up in thee sky, E wanna live my life with that look in my eyes, its like thee pyramids, thee wonder ov thee world, thee more you think about it, thee more that unfurls, its ever-changing, thee look upon my face, E watch as all perception disintegrates, its too much for me, my mind cant comprehend, but E am learning all thee time thee litmus reads at ten, it’s a whole new world, within a whole new age, it’s a time for rebellion, time to eat a page. (Acid rap man! Can you dig it? )

Startime: 1:35pm

Just eaten a baked potato with beans from salmonella Sam’s food emporium, anyone who eats meat from there must be fucking mad! E sit not 100 yards from thee van and even from here E can smell burnt toast and E don’t think they even sell it. Thee lady (and E use this description extremely lightly) who serves is a typical brain-dead, mother ov three (or four) approximately twenty seven years ov age, husbands probably a builder/factory worker who gets pissed with thee lads and slaps her for thee fun ov it but she stays with him ‘for thee kids sakes’, don’t make me laugh that’s a pathetic excuse for ‘E am trapped’, that sort ov shit doesn’t wash with me, her names probably ‘Doreen’ but it used to be Sharon, her husbands name…Robbie but it used to be Kev, if you see what E mean, it’s a sad, sad, world. As E left thee van their topic ov conversation was “luverlley high backed chairs in MFI, real bloody cheap too, but not rubbish, no they were very classy, light grey plastic” (oh please, no, no, no) other wonderful topics ov conversation included “are you going down thee barge and duck on Saturday?” “not with you, you always get pissed”, “well E like getting pissed don’t E”, “why?”, “cause it’s a laugh innit” (oh dear, oh dear, oh dear)

Startime: 1:50pm

E walked over thee motorway bridge to thee fields next to thee council estates (E say fields but more grass with rubbish scattered over it) what a nightmare place that is, everyone playing ‘look at my new car’, ‘cor that’s flash’, ‘ look at my nice new kitchen, are you jealous or what’, what a sad existence, being dumb, poor and constantly trying to show off in front ov others in thee same boat, these people are crazy, totally gone, some interesting graffiti opposite ‘krazee kuk’, ‘Rod and Kenny’, ‘Ken you junkie’ (oh dear, oh dear, oh dear) (1990)

Little pictures, little windows, moments in time, in between thee chaos ov LSD every weekend, thoughts entered my head, at work, at home, wherever, these can be viewed as part ov thee awakening, thee casting off ov complacency, thee breakdown ov thee non-person E was and thee real person E was becoming, thee passage ov change is hard to pin-point but can be found, if we study thee evidence, all can be revealed, it was for me and so can it be for you, as it was in thee beginning, so shall it be changed in thee end, evolution ov thee species by any means necessary, help and guidance from thee strangest ov sources, where is your will to be weird? Masquerading as normality? It is alive in us all if only we had thee courage to touch each other, trust each other and let it all out, radical faith, extraordinary courage, and a touch ov subversive mystery to love all those who don’t fit in, a square peg in a round hole is not welcome here or anywhere, anywhere, anywhere. (2006)

Stardate: 24th may 1990
Startime: 08:52 a.m

Bryan’s log: (no sexual reference intended)
Bored with this, it’s only Thursday, E am waiting in antici…pation for thee weekend and a good dose ov LSD, find myself living to trip lately and because E have to work can only experience my true self at thee weekend, it’s a torturous existence, there’s nothing here that interests me, E like to converse but there’s no-one E can talk to, no-one on my level, E have seen three people this morning, Jim (thee service manager), Eunice (accounts dept) and thee never popular Ken (warehouse manager and all round boredom constructor, that guys so boring he must get high on thee stuff) and not one ov them has said a word to me, not even a ‘good morning’, why thee fuck do E come to a place where nobody even knows E am here or cares? E will tell you why because in this society you unfortunately need money to survive, E bet they wouldn’t be pleased if they knew E spend thee money they give me on drugs, books by people who have taken drugs and records by people who take drugs, in fact drugs and their paraphernalia in general. E would love to drop a tab ov LSD into Ken’s tea but it would probably give thee old bastard a cardiac arrest, still it would be amazing to watch.

Startime: 09:25 a.m

Ken spoke to me about 09:15 a.m, cant remember what he said though probably because it was so boring, William Burroughs said “avoid fuck ups” because “those sort ov people are terminal fools and it might rub off on you”, fuck maybe that’s why E am so bored, Ken’s ultra sonic contagious boredom is boring its way into my psyche! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhh! Also E just received a phone call from upstairs, Eunice asking quite boringly if Paul was down here, “no” E said and put thee phone down, now Ken is as nosey as he is boring so straight away he’s “who was that?” “what did they want?”, etc, etc and E have to retell something very, very boring to thee most boring person E know and this is extreme hardcore boredom, sometimes E just wanna scream. How can these people live their lives with no points ov completion, no goals, no fight JUST boredom, no wonder thee worlds in such a state, there’s hundreds ov boring people sending people like me completely off our trolleys! Maybe E should go out and do a Michael Ryan in Greenford! “Why did you massacre 19 shoppers and a shop window display of mannequins wearing sportswear?” because E was BORED, a truly frightening thought, a truly frightening emotion. Was Charles Manson a psychotic? No he got bored in Death Valley ’69, Was Hitler a mass murderer? No he got bored in Germany ’39! Was E a crazed junkie with a death wish? No E was bored in Greenford ’90. Bill (thee boss) has just come down, he’s having a go at Ken for not doing this and not doing that, lets face it, he doesn’t do anything he’s supposed to, probably because he finds it so boring, thee most boring person in thee world finding something boring, Jesus that’s a bit ov a heavy, heavy head fuck! Let me describe Ken, fifty-ish, tallish, six foot, just under, balding, thick pebble rimmed glasses, a red thick lumberjack type checked shirt, light brown, nay, BEIGE corduroy trousers (thee kind you buy in army surplus stores for £2.99), beer gut (though thee man doesn’t drink or smoke for that matter), not married, lived with his mum ‘til she died a year or so ago, worked with his dad in a sign-making business ‘til his dad died, took over thee business, fucked it all up and it went down thee tubes, ended up working here, boring people to write about him, nay boring me to fucking write about him, and that just goes to show how bored E really am, his power is immense and worst ov all thee man is wearing tan leather shoes, with a low heel and grey, yes grey towlene socks, he is a nightmare.(startime 10:10 a.m)

Fictional happiness, potential suicide

Catalogue poses on a Monday morning, thee raincoat tribe ov a new day dawning, satisfied immensely with their new career, security and mortgages are present here, TV dinners and two point four kids, E cant donate today, E have nothing to give, video escapism, drink with thee lads, late night shopping, twice a week if they can, your fictional happiness is so sincere, your potential suicide shows through so clear, are these really thee things that you hold so dear? E just cant understand thee stupidity here, yes sir, no sir, you’re such a good boss, when behind his back you will curse him, of course, your only reason to live is to further your tribe ov other conformists, who will each toe thee line, you don’t live for your art, you only live for thee kids, to protect and provide in this hell where they live, don’t you know there’s no future for no-one no more, so you sit and watch thee late night film behind thee closed door, frustration, in your nation, a new nation ov frustration, no solution, your pollution, your pollution is no solution, why don’t you grow your hair long?, why don’t you shave your hair off?, get a tattoo?, motorbike?, tell your boss to fuck off?, take some speed?, roll a joint?, take cocaine?, LSD?, why don’t you take a degree in a life that’s so free? . (1989)

Villa lobos (ov thee wolves)

Time has come, have to go, can’t stagnate, feel thee flow, onwards, upwards, moving on, living life and singing songs, what we’ve learnt, now we see, still searchin’ for a family, our consciousness wipes out their space, and on their own there fall from grace, will be decided by themselves, our time is done within their world, and out there’s where our future lies, in other places and other eyes, mighty river running free, all ov you is part ov me, takes me closer, can’t you see? On our journey to thee sea, goddess river running strong, everywhere she sings her song, calling all who have thee mind, she brings life throughout all times, woman gave birth to thee man, this all men must know, but only man can make thee seed, to make thee woman grow, we all are borne ov woman, penetrated by man’s seed, moon-cycle blood is ritual, sun, morning, riser, dreams. (19/08/99)

Listen to your heart and fuck yourself, hear thee sound ov destruction at your window, and walk on down thee hall, don’t look back in anger E hear, you say go fuck yourself, hear thee sound ov destruction at your window and listen to your heart, and fuck yourself. Trying to live in a world without lies, trying to see with brand new eyes, ’ave it large on your voyage, E shouldn’t be allowed. (24/11/98)