Who does?

E found my half life, my truer self but he’s only me at weekends, E spend most ov time locked behind this face ov boredom, falsehood, lies, E smoke more, eat more, talk less, smile less while imprisoned in a world E hate, E understand frustration but can’t cope with having to wait five whole days to be once again set free, it’s a vicious circle ov turmoil, if E didn’t come here, E would be happier in myself but would have no money so would still be sad, so E have my fun at thee weekends only and spend my weekdays going mad. Would E take you everyday? If every day was like thee first, ov course E would, E drink your dew and E hunger for your thirst, my twisted agonizing inner scream goes on, and on, and on, when E get free E smile within but there’s no-one to hear my song, if E had a chance to change my life, E would never change my sins, they’re thee only thing worth living for, they’re thee gift thee three wise men bring, like a poet without a book to write, like an artist who owns no brush, E live my life hating what E am and what thee world a round’s become. Just a chance to prove E am not insane, a career that E truly enjoy not a job where E am slowly wasting away until everything E own has gone, what existence is this E have to endure? Wish E didn’t have a brain to think, if E could just control my fate, not be victim to its hell, why am E here? Why don’t E try? Why there’s no point in being alive, living looking forward to thee next weekend is a sad, sad, way to die. Help me, hurt me, kill me, save me from this torture and pain, don’t like, don’t love, don’t push, don’t shove, don’t know, don’t care, no shame, want you, want me, want them, want us, want thee whole damn world to know E cant exist within your rules, so its time for thee rules to go. E am not alone, there’s others too and if at once we meet once more then watch out! Ignorant, arrogant pigs coz its time E evened scores, E will write, E will tell, will you listen to me? Will you find me avant-garde? Just a normal man from suburbia, who has power in his hands, thee time is right, E have to solve thee problems E encounter, don’t buy my tales if you’ve never been poor because you’ll hate me out ov spite, don’t know, don’t care, is there anybody out there who does? (22/05/90)

Outside

Saddled up on chromosomes, my fist drags on thee floor, not so straight but feelings that my conscience cant ignore, once for love and twice for hate, thee serpent sense it rises, existence is a precious jewel that everyone despises, and lonely in this vast desert ov metal, stone and wood, E sometimes want to set alight but cremation seems too good, for them is needed ironic justice ov thee heart, like tears it weeps from inside, outside is cold and hard. Thee serpent sees, thee serpent sings, thee serpent knows ov all thee things, that make you E and make E you, E feel an answer coming through, find a way to utilise your whole and every being, understand, do what you can to believe what you are seeing, from thee lions roar, floats thee sycamore, thee seed ov rebellion, thee seed ov freedom, thee seeds ov love, A is for acid, B for belief, C is for commune, D for debrief, E is for energy, F is for fun, G is for gratitude, H is for hug, I is for ideas, J is for joy, K is for knowledge, L for love toys, M is for magick, N is for now, O is for orgasm, P for pow-wow, Q is for question, R for revolt, S is for sexual, T is for talk, U is for useful, V is for vow, X marks thee spot, Y is allowed, Z is for freedom, Z is for peace, Z is your prison to be released, war games. Understanding not control, encouragement not rules, acceptance not laws, forgiveness not punishment, togetherness not solitude, individual not uniform, yes not guess, know not no, self not god, love not hate, war games ov thee inner mind. (Lost timezone)

Nobody knows

What’s happening here? Nothing ov interest to me, that’s for sure, E cant handle working here anymore, thee boredom and lack ov self respect has grown too strong, all these Christian, money orientated, blind stupid fools, E cannot converse, E hardly talk, E never smile, E only live at thee weekends, in thee evenings, E have got to find a way out ov this situation before E explode in a fury, that they would never expect or foresee, my love ov altered states calls to me, for genuine reality, for thee true meaning ov love, not most peoples self-centred, narrow minded, genital lusts, true love is thee love ov everyone and everything for sexual and existence reasons, making love to thee whole world with thee whole world making love to you, one force, one feeling and everyone an individual in their own right, with their own rules and morals, humanity exists fully and only without barriers ov rules. So many people are easily led because they cannot survive without someone leading them, E need no leaders, E need only to know myself, E need only to create my exclusive art for my benefit only, because its what E like to do, you should never have to do anything you don’t want to, you should never want to do anything that someone tells you you have to. These damned Christians have fucked everything and everyone up so bad, they’re thee evil force, they’re completely fucking fascist bastards, they’re so evil that they don’t even know it, god doesn’t exist, there is no god, no heaven and no hell, there is only us on this planet, which has to be looked after if thee race is to survive in this dimension, all politics are shit, they involve leaders, we need no leaders, E am no leader, E just provide my thoughts and feelings for thee benefit ov knowledge to anyone who is interested, as E indeed read thee thoughts ov others for thee same reasons and same quest, after all we are here to be wise, to gain knowledge and thee more knowledge we have, we can attain higher states after death, we climb eternally as thee universe grows larger around us, there is always more knowledge to gain and more beings to meet, more sights to see, more love to give and gain, because with love thee more you give thee more you receive, it is thee eternal power, magick and direction, love is all you need! With reference to higher states that can be attained on this plane, E myself use (weekly) LSD, speed and sleep deprivation for enjoyment, for thee taking in ov literature, all stimulants, working me overtime, after all thee weekend is thee only time E can be E so I try to stay awake most ov it and use Sunday as a day ov rest, forward now E go, trying to keep a hold on reality and sanity, trying to tell those near me who do not understand, how to understand, how to question, how to live, why to live, not to be led by fascist zombie heads, that’s a ticket to nowhere man, it provides, uniform robotics, extreme violence and depression, if you’re not convinced explain to me why you have to pay to stay alive? Why you eat meat without thinking ov it as meat? Why you have to get pissed to have good time and how it so often just sends you to sleep? You’re on a wasted trip man, wise up for fucks sake, before it’s too late and you’re reborn here again, back to thee beginning with all memory wiped to try and realise and learn again, round and round and round you go, where you stop? Nobody knows. (1990)

A statement (after an experience)

Thee only thing you actually need in life, in thee end is experience and as long as you aren’t causing harm to others then you should gain as much as you can in every way possible. Moderation is thee key word here, an enlightened inner dependence, anything done to excess has got to be considered dangerous, too much alcohol=addiction, too much food=addiction, too much money=addiction, too many principles=addiction and extremity, you cut yourself off from too many things and end up…unhappy, no-ones ever really happy, you’re always in between but that’s what life’s about, in between good and evil, in between happy and sad, in between well and sick, in between life and death, in between known and unknown! People should be open-minded, leave each to his own, how can you know life if you don’t know yourself? You get brainwashed by parents, politics and attitudes ov those around you, don’t typecast yourself, do as thou wilt, be whole, yourself not a carbon copy ov a billion other people and other peoples ideas, who tells you you’re wrong? If it’s right for you then its right for you and only you can decide when it’s right and when it’s wrong. Its hippy ethics versus punk anguish all thee time, right and left, black and white, up and down, peace versus war, love versus hate, keep yourself in between thee two and things can only be o.k. To those who haven’t realised yet, E ain’t no fucking junkie, you won’t find no tracks in my life man, E am just a beautiful person listening to beautiful music wishing for a beautiful world. E have thee knowledge to be alone against thee world, if that’s how it has to be, E will not alter my decisions except for myself. To those who judge me with their own morals, who thee fuck do you think you are? God? Perhaps you should take a long hard look at yourself before calling on my case dammit, E am a much happier person, E no longer want to kill myself every day, thee buzz is on thee streets, people wising up and grooving down, we just wanna be free to do what we wanna do. Its your art so live for it, don’t crush your style, flair and originality because that’s thee real you, nobody’s perfect, Jesus E am not, but E am happier and doing thee best E can to get through this prison sentence called life. E don’t ask you to listen to me or to believe in me or to follow me but thee least you can do is understand me and most ov all let me, because it is what E choose to do, good or bad its my choice and E am thee one who will benefit or suffer from my own actions and that is called experience, and that is all you can have from this world, so who’s wrong? You should be more open-minded about people, because people are people; a shallow mind gets you nowhere it cuts you off from so many things you would otherwise experience. If life is an illusion and thee dream world reality, what a poor, poor imagination you must have! Gotta good reason for taking thee easy way out. (1990)

Thee struggle