Paranoid, confused a week with him

At once, E feel disillusioned with myself, E am confused with what E want and what others around me want, am E on thee same level? Am E higher? More humble? More honest? Can E be more communal with someone E am truly worried about? What does he want from magick? Spiritual awareness as E do or power? If its power then E want no part, E am not interested in controlling people or thee universe, we all have a part to play, a fate awaits us thee cosmos awaits us, all those negative energies, is he as old as he seems? He seems younger more naïve than E can realise, he seems selfish and dishonest, maybe it’s me? Maybe E am paranoid? Or just disturbed, E will continue with this, with him, but E like thee effects ov LSD, its helping me to learn, about myself, about thee world, about thee mind, he seems afraid ov it, it makes him depressed E think, he wants to feel good all thee time, that’s why he likes sulphate so much, is that a selfish trait? Is it communal? Am E selfish? Am E communal? What to do? Too many uncertainties, nothing too secure in my world at thee moment, maybe thee LSD will help tonight, it just seems a bit directionless at thee moment, maybe it’s just a lack ov self confidence, have E got thee drive to do all thee things we talked ov? Or will E get too lazy again? And therefore get back into thee vicious circle ov feeling worthless and helpless, maybe E have discovered too much about thee universe to exist in a material world is thee scene on thee same level? He seems so sceptical but E need him to believe in me and thee theories E have discovered so E can believe in them myself, he tries to make things rational all thee time, is this good? Is this bad? Is that sanity? Is this insanity? E feel detached, not totally just slightly from thee people around me, do E need help? Have E fucked up? Am E an acid casualty? Or am E just nearer thee truth? E need more proof to stop me going out ov my mind with paranoia, paranoia is thee terrible demon, you can lose confidence, lose direction, lose hope, lose touch with reality, E need a more positive direction, a goal, maybe thee Andrew Collins project will help? Maybe he can give me a direction, maybe E should do a ritual to gain direction, to ask for guidance, E wish E could contact my grandfather and ask for his help, do E deserve his help? Do E deserve anything? Am E worthwhile? Am E worthless? E have had a mental block this week and its scattered me, its not something E have had before, E don’t know if this will enter thee book, E don’t know if its relevant, E suppose if E want thee book to reflect life in thee nineties then it must be included, why am E so critical? Sometimes its so easy to write and E never doubt it, but now its like arguing with yourself without finding a solution, maybe E need a change ov scene, E think E definitely need some LSD it helps me to think when E am coming down, speed seems to make me arrogant and inventive but my lack ov confidence brings me down to earth, E was really positive last week, what’s happened? Maybe being with him a lot has rubbed off on me, a negative positive energy interchange, E need some proof, a direction and guidance or E don’t know if E can continue, but at thee same time E don’t know what E would do instead, E just don’t know, see its rubbing off already, come on, gotta pull my shit together and shine, brightly and brilliantly, E am gold, E am good, E am warm, E am positive, E am energy, E am knowledge, E am…………confused. (1990)

Down in thee sewer

From down in thee sewer that’s where E am from, in thee city ov nightmares in thee city ov wrongs, E can find my place with thee beat on thee street, living with thee fear but E am living on my feet, you must believe in true love for you to feel a true love, let go ov all ov your fears and place your trust in someone, cause we belong together, it’s a power so strong, gives us strength in thee darkness, shines a light to go on, E believe thee impossible can come true if you want it to. And Polly says our family ov love is built with stars above, as thee ocean moves with thee tides entwined, E knew one day you would be mine, as above, so below, E thought you’d know, there is no other love, than thee one E found, and E am so glad you are thee one, thee only one for me, as thee cloud falls and thee sun comes down, as thee moon shines and thee mother is one, so shall it be, our destiny, when thee earth does spin, shall our lives begin and end in an energy, filled with love, as thee love E have for you. This life that you have given, thee kaos ov your rules, thee comedy ov your prophets, thee wisdom ov your fools, these times are never changing, your lessons do not learn, and you’ll only see thee answer, when thee world is overturned, you’re war is never-ending, like all your stolen wealth, in your shadow lies no glory, you fight only with yourself, all thee trees becoming coffins, in your hearts thee people bleed, which ov your lies is truth to follow? Which ov your words make sense to me? Well what about revolution? Now that E understand, and fighting for a solution, and taking back our land, so forward to our futures, our children’s and our worlds, our love, our rites ov passage, we send, with our regards. (Lost time zone)

What can be done?

Why is it that E am only excited on Fridays? Why do E get so down in thee week? E guess its cause thee weekend has high days and E can enjoy thee lack ov sleep, yesterday E was so depressed thee whole world looked at me with hate, and E want to love just everybody but not one cares for my face, E am frustrated in this land ov prisons, E am crushed within these walls, E just want to be free my friend and E want to free you all, am E wasting all my time away when my time is spent so wasted, but E know my love and E feel so good with thee paradise E have tasted, so let them ignore my true love, so let them scorn my ways, but E will still want to set them free, for all they’ll come a day, freedom is within all our grasps if we all realise our love, so set aside your petty qualms, you’ll be surprised what can be done. (1990)

Dreamsend

Emptiness, alienation, so alone in my frustration, nothing makes sense anymore, fooled myself E knew thee score, stretching tight and giving in, no surrender but E cannot win, thee battle rages in my head, am E alive? Or am E dead? Wake up to our destiny, a way to make thee best ov me, fight thee riot to win thee war, love is what we’re fighting for, no holding back or time for fear, trust in what is crystal clear, don’t let thee bastards get you down, wear a smile don’t wear a frown, show thee world we can be free by being just what we wanna be, hold your head up, shout out loud, feel thee power ov thee sound, they are strong but we want justice, and together we can accomplish, breaking down their biggest walls, to our wisdom they will fall, they’ve got thee guns but we’ve got thee numbers, in our anger lightning thunders, we are so many and they are few, tell me what are you gonna do? E hate to use a cliché but we need a revolution, its thee only way to bring, about a new solution, so take it to your heart and then you’ll feel it in your soul, take it to thee streets and we can all achieve our goal, fuck emptiness and alienation, we’re not alone in our frustration, nothing makes sense but our class war, time we evened up thee score, stretching tight not giving in, no surrender we can win, thee battle rages now in red, we’re alive and they are dead, wake up to our destiny, a way to make thee best ov me, fight thee riot to win thee war, love is what we’re fighting for.(lost time zone)

Shangri-la

Shangri-la ov thee senses, riding on thee tide ov love, thee first stage ov creation is destruction, then like a phoenix, truth will arise from thee flames, and only truth can set us free, thee real you and me, free from mind oppression, free from social constraints, free from religious persecution, to say at long last, that we are one people with one heart, for our destiny is to be together, and experience each other, and celebrate our love and life and tolerance ov each other for each other, for what is a planet without its people? Healing thee feelings ov separation with unity and trust, we must dance together, to be ourselves, to be free, as we, evolution NOW!

Heal thee sick, cure thee blind, organise here’s thee rest ov our lives, don’t be a ripple on thee pond with no wave in your heart, do E have to tell you more than once? Thee land is desecrated, thee spirit is dying, thee people have forgotten and thee children are crying, thee scum who rule thee world are liars and cheaters, brainwashed by thee T.V. and thee happy eaters, living has no point if we don’t join together, hand in hand through sunny days and stormy weather, we must rebuild our Eden and tear down thee system, it steals away thee dream, so turn your back, resist them, reclaiming our future, and rebuilding our lives, laughing and dancing through thee streets all night (26/05/01)

We’re living in thee age ov television; so we have to deal with it, it’s a matter ov physical and mental survival. T.V. is used to hammer people into thee ground, to make them stupid and keep them quiet. Thee answer to that situation isn’t just to turn it off and try to ignore it. By doing that you’re admitting that you’re scared ov it, you’ve got to go and kick it in thee face, pull it to pieces and see what’s going on-Genesis.P.Orridge